We all know why you unfailingly hit up the bar every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday at exactly the same time -- that one cute bartender works then, duh. We've all discussed it, and we decided that you really need to step up your game.
First of all, if you're not above a 6.5 on a scale of 1 to David Beckham's abs, you need to seem rich. Please note: you don't have to actually be wealthy. Go sell your plasma or something if you need to. Just get enough dough for the next phase of our plot...
Go buy a fancy pantsy outfit. Seriously, that sexy hobo look isn't working for you. Upgrade to Armani or Prada or whatever is on discount at the Coach store.
With the measly about of cash leftover in your checking account, begin furiously drinking the most expensive beer on tap. Or, go for that top shelf shit -- the stuff you only drink on your birthday or whenever your parents are buying. And try to be nonchalant about it, dude. The bartender has to think you're some rich guy who fills his tank up all the way when he gasses up his car. With premium gas.
Now, you should be thoroughly drunk enough to muster up the courage for the next step: getting those digits. But, be careful not to drink as much as you did before you did a naked lap at that one frat party your junior year...you might get arrested, and there are no cute bartenders in prison.
When you're ready and willing to pickup the damage, give the bartender your best smile and aloofly write your phone number at the top of your check. Try not to look like a serial killer.
If you haven't received a restraining order in a few days, you're in the clear! Wait for that late night text when the bartender remembers you after realizing that he/she still has crushing student debt and his/her looks are fading.
But, if none of this pans out, don’t sweat it. There's always online dating. Bring your awkward Tinder date to The Hangar for a cheap drink during Happy Hour from 11:00 a.m. to 7:00 p.m.!
First of all, if you're not above a 6.5 on a scale of 1 to David Beckham's abs, you need to seem rich. Please note: you don't have to actually be wealthy. Go sell your plasma or something if you need to. Just get enough dough for the next phase of our plot...
Go buy a fancy pantsy outfit. Seriously, that sexy hobo look isn't working for you. Upgrade to Armani or Prada or whatever is on discount at the Coach store.
With the measly about of cash leftover in your checking account, begin furiously drinking the most expensive beer on tap. Or, go for that top shelf shit -- the stuff you only drink on your birthday or whenever your parents are buying. And try to be nonchalant about it, dude. The bartender has to think you're some rich guy who fills his tank up all the way when he gasses up his car. With premium gas.
Now, you should be thoroughly drunk enough to muster up the courage for the next step: getting those digits. But, be careful not to drink as much as you did before you did a naked lap at that one frat party your junior year...you might get arrested, and there are no cute bartenders in prison.
When you're ready and willing to pickup the damage, give the bartender your best smile and aloofly write your phone number at the top of your check. Try not to look like a serial killer.
If you haven't received a restraining order in a few days, you're in the clear! Wait for that late night text when the bartender remembers you after realizing that he/she still has crushing student debt and his/her looks are fading.
But, if none of this pans out, don’t sweat it. There's always online dating. Bring your awkward Tinder date to The Hangar for a cheap drink during Happy Hour from 11:00 a.m. to 7:00 p.m.!
Photo Credit: Pintrest
RSS Feed